Can you feel the love?

So, I've been toiling with some quandries-- some trivial little questions... you know, about the meaning of life and love and the existence of God. Nothing big.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I'm wondering where all my sparkly optimism has gone... wondering when I became such a cynic.

My Mother, lil' Sissy and I went to see the theatrical production of Doubt last weekend. ( Side note, when my father was asked if he would like to accompany us he stated "I doubt it." Funny guy, my dad.)

The general premise- for those of you who aren't familiar with it: an incredibly strict and old fashioned nun suspects a likeable forward thinking priest of having an inappropriate relationship with a young African American boy. There are a variety of factors to influence the situation-- the young boy is allegedly gay-- and, honestly, what priest ISN'T diddling young boys these days.

The play was purposely left open ended-- you are left coming to your own conclusions on the priest's guilt... I immediatley decided this priest was DEFINITELY (without a doubt) playing secret touching games with the kid, while my mother (the saint that she is) claimed he was innocent.

Okay, so, do I see the bad before the good? Has life dealt me enough bad hands that I automatically assume the worst in everyone? And then I realized--- I enter a relationship with a person under the assumption that this person will screw me over. He will screw me hard. When his phone rings it is DEFINITELY his ex girlfriend... who is probably much prettier and more interesting than I... I may not bring it up until I've had 6 vodka tonics, but I KNOW this is true. There is no doubt in my mind.

But, (and this is the kicker) I've realized that doubt IS in my mind. It's all that's in my mind. I doubt myself. I doubt my worth. I doubt I'm enough to keep someone happy and faithful. I doubt I am any good at writing.

I want to have faith. I want to have faith in myself and in love and in a higher power. I want to believe in love-- that kind of love that you read about..... The love where you and another human become one living thing... when your other half dies you follow them into the dark. Baby makin kind of love. I want to believe in that kind of love just like I want to believe that there is a heavenly being that wipes away all of the bad shit I've done and let's me have wings when I die. The problem is that you can't really see love or see God. You can certainly feel it. People express love- people sing and hump like rabbits showing each other how much love they have.

I'm an American. If I can't touch it, own it, buy it... welp it ain't mine. It ain't real.

God exhists in nature. When you stand in a forest or with your feet in the ocean, or in some indescribably beautiful Cathedral in Italy... you can feel God. Maybe it's God, maybe it's Buddha or Krishna or L. Ron Hubbard. It's something. Something cosmic. Maybe it's the collective remnant energy of all the people who have loved that spot for thousands of years.. All the people who stood before that altar or on that giant rock on the beach and felt overwhelming love for what they saw.

This wasn't an accident. It's all too beautiful.

SO, really, I think what I'm saying is that God is love. Love is God. No doubt.