Chicago. I actually started writing this mess nearly 2 months ago. Write a novel in November. I never really planned on a novel. I expected a blog-ish journaly mess… and that is what I have. WHoo hoo. Well, now it’s December 31st and I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I’ve just returned from Chicago and a visit with my beautiful soul mate friends Kristin and Kim. I ache to live near them. Spending time with them is beyond wonderful. It makes me realize the depth of loneliness and why some people choose to spend so much time secluded. I think that maybe for some people it is harder to see treasured people and say goodbye again than it is just to avoid seeing them all together. I get it. I think that is part of depression. As I mope about for the next few days I will force myself to remember how much I’m loved and how much my love means to those lovely beings.
I love Chicago. I had this movie moment as I hugged my beloved friends goodbye—massive wet snowflakes floating in the air—crying like a loon. There was so much noise in the street but the snow and tears made it feel silent. I buzzed through the streets- crying in my cab- a teary blur of snow, lights and skyscrapers. Then I sat. Well really I stood on the sidewalk waiting for my bus. Bus stops and airports are no place for a sad soul. Watching all those couples reuniting, sharing their trip snacks and magazines… saying goodbyes. Families holding hands. Men and women walking closely to keep warm… the man with his hand on the woman’s lower back to guide her along. Keep her safe.
I had a panic attack on that sidewalk.
I’m back to biting my nails. I had stopped long enough to grow them out and have womanly looking hands. But, now I feel like a girl and in accordance with this feeling, my hands shall resemble the hands of someone more pre-pubescent.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment