Consumerism weekend from HE double hockey sticks

Costco. Yes. Of course young 25 year old vegetarian woman needs a 75 pack of beef franks. Tell me. Tell me why I walked around for nearly 20 minutes toting a monstrous pack of tube socks. Why I still tried to cling to them as I sampled the variety of snacks being dished out by elderly women. Tell me why the giant vat of hummus had a sell by date of Dec 25... what the hell is in that stuff? Tell me why the words "Who do I know that might like fleece pants for Christmas" actually went through my mind as 2,000 pairs of them towered before me. How bizarre would it be if I gave all my friends fleece pants covered in candy canes...and then explained that they were buy 8 get 2 free. Why why why was I at Costco alone on a Saturday when I should have been drunk or naked or something else equally awesome? Tell me why when I asked the guy working for AT&T if they had iphones his reply was "No, but I know some good dirty jokes." WTF.

The mall was next. Oh, yes, the mall. So many ladies have humpbacks at the mall. A 54 year old Quasimodo wearing Crocs lurked around every corner. I wanted to walk up to hundreds of middle aged Yankee candle customers and yoga instruct them into good posture. "No, no, draw your shoulder blades together behind your back, lengthen your neck...oh, and get some new jeans, your fupa is out of control."

It's official. Online shopping is the only way to roll.

children on leashes

Brace yourself for a hot topic. Children on leashes. We've all seen them at the mall...at target... on that SNL skit with the "hyper-hypo". This offends the sensibilities of many-- the sight of a child on a leash. My younger sister had to be restrained with this stretchy and highly controversial cord as a child. We were a mischeif causing lot of Morgans. My sister Allison... she didn't walk, she cartwheeled. We (yes, I helped) once knocked over a huge display of applesauce at a Safeway grocery store. I feel like Safeway is ghetto... but maybe in the late 80's/early 90's it was normal. Either way, we broke a buttload of applesauce jars.

My sister was really into hiding in the middle of clothing racks. She was like a ninja. One minute she was holding my hand (I wasn't supposed to let go) the next she had scaled a wall of shelves. My mom got the leash. The saint that she is... she endured the scornful stares of the anti-discipline crunchy granola moms. She picked Allison up off her bum when she tried to dart off and the cord yanked her back. She threatened to put me on one too if I didn't chill out. Imagine if we had been allowed to have sugar.